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All I know is I know nothing…except that I may be losing my mind

All I know is I know nothing…except that I may be losing my mind

Tell me someone else is sitting in front of their computer staring blankly at a screen, head throbbing, eyes watering and this horrible sinking feeling that you’re a complete failure. I’d hate to think I am the only one.

I am not a quitter. I’m not. I am a failure, but not a quitter. As a failure, I will keep at something despite my lack of skills. I feel like I am at that point right now. I look back at all the readings that I swear I blogged and talked about and was able to retain it and apply it, but now, as I sit in front of this shoddy laptop that I dread opening every day, I question what I know. And all of a sudden I want to burst into tears because I wonder if I even know anything anymore and I am questioning everything.

Everything.

I really believed in myself. I really believed I could make a change. I don’t know who planted that seed, but like many things I have tried growing in my lifetime, that seed which was once a vibrant plant is now brown and shriveled and sitting on a mantle just waiting for me to finally give up and toss it. But I am not a quitter, even if it means suffering apparently. But really, what kind of change will I really make in this world of either education or anything at this point. I feel so small and broken. I feel like I am the dying plant on the mantle just waiting for someone to throw me out. At least then I will be able to say I didn’t quit, but was forced to let go.

I question “what the f*ck I am doing?”. Every. Single Day. I cry and pray and every night before bed I fall asleep wondering what my purpose is, why I am here and will I fail again tomorrow. I really don’t feel I have put much pressure on my existence, but really, there has to be a purpose for me. I don’t want kids, I don’t want to be married (again) so I would normally focus on a career, but as I look at my work and my inability to retain anything at this point, I have to ask, what am I doing? Will somebody please tell me how to succeed? Will someone please open a door and say, “Look, all your hard work paid off. Here is a job and you will be successful and will not live paycheck to paycheck the rest of your life. All your hard work paid off and yes, your dream of teaching has come true”. *poof*

I should move to an island of sorts and just bartend or waitress. Cocktail style like Tom Cruise. Cuz, you know, movies are great representations of real life, right? That life would seem far better and being a lazy, worthless piece of crap would be much easier to digest if I were on a tropical island because, let’s face it, so is everyone else. These are the things I imagine as I try and find a future that isn’t confined to a cubicle selling cabinet doors to jerk-face customers who belittle me and treat me as if I have never seen a cabinet door in my life. I have seen a lot of ‘effing cabinet doors. Trust me. Don’t question my authority on cabinet doors. Hell, that’s the sad part. My current status is cabinet door connoisseur (which, btw, I had to look up how to spell that word and it saddens me even more), and yet with all my education and experience (and “talent” or so I thought I had), no one is hiring me and it’s devastating. Will going back to school save me? Or is it true that, though I may not be a quitter, I am still a failure.

Someone please tell me…

-Kyleen

2 Replies to “All I know is I know nothing…except that I may be losing my mind”

  1. woah dude, this essay is stressin’ you out!

    Step 1: take a breath
    Step 2: why don’t you try narrowing the prompt. Make it more manageable, like, “what do I know about how to give helpful feedback,” or, “If I could make only one change to the current FYC structure/style/system, it would be _______”
    Step 3: don’t be sad…nobody knows how to spell connoisseur.
    Step 4: eat a power snack

    and voilà! Writer’s block gone, hopefully…

  2. thanks Aaron for chiming in before I did! And Kyleen! SOrry to leave you hanging for 5 days!

    You are so so so capable of this work. And I hope blogging helped you get unstuck. I really do believe that a good college/learning experience should be right on the edge of our abilities, but it is a hard place to live on that edge. Moments of “I can do this” followed by “I’m such a failure.” But I like my failures and they are the only time I ever really grew.

    And since I know you sent me words on paper, you have already succeeded! Look forward to seeing you in class!

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